Apr 30, 2020

April and Poems

April being the ‘cruellest month’, I tried to launch the month with ‘The Wasteland’. I read a few lines, soon something came up, and since then, I’ve been in and out of the poem. As always. Now that I think about it, very few moments have seen me read one of Eliot’s poems in a straight-line fashion. Always from here and there, wherever the eye lands. Always fragments. Fragments at times stuck in different parts of my mind coming up unbeckoned, summing up a moment at times. Living my life through second hand phrases. If one were to live through a poet’s phrases, makes sense to stock up on some. ‘Four Quartets’ seems to be a good place to stock up, Prufrock floats to the surface often but The Wasteland is not something I get yet, but hopefully, over time, I’ll understand it more.

April saw me reading Milton’s ‘Paradise Lost’. And then ‘Paradise Regained'. And in between a host of poems from here and there. But it takes a while for things to be absorbed such that they show up unbeckoned. It is all an active effort initially. One has to read them a few times. Read them aloud maybe. Or read them for the favourite bits. Or wear them out, get to know them well. Get familiar.  Almost make them your own.

At the moment, this seeks to be settling in from Paradise Lost:
"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same"
Reading Paradise Lost makes me want to read more of the poetic dramas, and long poems, preferably aloud, in a play-act fashion, entering the character or the narrator – God or Satan or Adam or Eve. Now, hoping to get into one of those Shakespearean characters. A line-up on my to-read list already. May May see some of those play-acts.

But the big treat this month was discovering Haikus.

It was Calvino with his essay on Japanese Gardens, and how he thinks that the gardens mirrored Japanese Haikus, that made me look up Haikus. And since then, I have a few pages open everywhere - on the phone, on the comp, which take me down the Haiku garden.

They need to be admired, like flowers, which are in full bloom in April where I live. Almost every tree laden with scores of blooms, branches drooping, overwhelmed, flowers all over the footpaths and grassy patches. And one can’t walk there without thinking of Yeats’ “I have spread my dreams under your feet;/ Tread softly because you tread on my dreams”.  Every gaze presents an eyeful of flowers. Every few steps one needs to stop to admire one of those open-faced beauties closely. You look at their perfection, their tender curving opening blossoming and even as they blossom, the edges of the petals already turning dark, already dying. You stand there enchanted until the business of living pulls you out, you run to catch-up, just until the next flower that beckons and tugs at something in you, and you stop and stare again.

So it goes with Haikus. They take a moment of your attention. But they grab it like those flowers. And once read, they keep playing around in your thought space for a bit, until again, the practical business of living draws your attention elsewhere.

Haiku is a Japanese poetry style, short verse in three lines, with a fixed number of syllables in each. From Wikipedia -  the chief idea is ‘cutting’ or juxtaposition of two ideas/ images and a cutting word between them. But I can access Haikus only in translation. And I realise some of their colour is lost in translation, still, even though faded, they are a joy to behold.

One of my favourite ones is a haiku about haiku:
“A haiku is like a finger pointing to the moon.
If the finger is bejeweled, we no longer see the moon.”
(Matsuo Basho)
The idea of this haiku, of simplicity, of letting the content shine, of this desire for unadorned kernel of things, this idea and the haiku seem to have found some place inside and they keep rising to the surface now and again. This longing for simple truth and beauty, that perhaps sits inside all of us, when sees its reflection in these flowers or these haikus, rejoices, claps for recognition, and in their small, blossomy way, make the moment and the day memorable.

I now keep these haikus around in stumbly places. When I don’t know what I’m looking for, and I come across those open haiku pages, it is like flowers on my day's path. And who is not glad to see flowers on their path?

And as if so many flowers were not enough, yesterday, I walked into Omar Khayyam's Rubaiyat (a string of Quatrains, which is a verse in four lines; translated from Persian).  A long and winding road that led me there, but the last link was AA Milne’s note on Autumn and something about a book of verses and bread and thou. And I looked up and found this dreamy paradise:

XII
A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness--
Oh, Wilderness were Paradise now!
What delights me is that Omar Khayyam wrote these lines some 900 years ago, but the paradise held in that thought appeals even in this day and age, almost a millennium away. The unadorned kernel, the true and the beautiful shines through and tugs at you wherever found. Here, reflected in flowers, in haikus, and in quatrains.

Although I did rip through the verses like they were bread (another fragment – “I had a love I ripped through like it was bread.”, from a poem by Amy Woolard ), like Haikus, these verses cannot be consumed all in one go. Need to be strewn around. Then one day, on a grey, dreary road, it appears, like one perfect red autumn leaf, lifting up the road and the moment to something heavenly.

Amongst other things, I have been reading Virginia Woolf’s ‘The Waves’ for the last few days. The book seems to belongs here in this post with all the poems. Prose, but each paragraph a new scene. As if each of those reminiscing moments were a poem. Poems in prose. Like those flowers, each paragraph needs to be stared at, to hold each image for a while longer. And I should perhaps write about the book once I finish reading it, but just see how Rhoda thinks of wandering down a poem:

“Here is a poem about a hedge. I will wander down it and pick flowers, green cowbind and the moonlight-coloured May, wild roses and ivy serpentine. I will clasp them in my hands and lay them on the desk's shiny surface. I will sit by the river's trembling edge and look at the water-lilies, broad and bright, which lit the oak that overhung the hedge with moonlight beams of their own watery light.”

Pretty much what I would like to do too.


April seems to inspire quite a few poems. Although my hemisphere bathes in autumn light, most April poems spell spring. (One of my favourite ones is EE Cummings: and april's where we are). As the sun sets and April bows, draws its curtains and wraps itself up to hide away somewhere in memories next to some of those poetic phrases, here's another one from Cummings,

Paris;this April sunset completely utters
utters serenely silently a cathedral 
before whose upward lean magnificent face
the streets turn young with rain,
spiral acres of bloated rose
coiled within cobalt miles of sky
yield to and heed
the mauve
               of twilight(who slenderly descends,
daintily carrying in her eyes the dangerous first stars)
people move love hurry in a gently
arriving gloom and
see!(the new moon
fills abruptly with sudden silver
these torn pockets of lame and begging colour)while
there and here the lithe indolent *******
Night,argues
with certain houses

Apr 27, 2020

The Divine Invasion

The Divine Invasion by Philip K. Dick is the second in series in the VALIS trilogy.

Not really as much a sci-fi but an alternate theological outcome imagined in an alternate reality. Quick read. Like Valis, this one too refers back to those two months in PKD’s life forever seeking explanation. One reads less for the book itself (which is alright as a standalone read, not really worth recommending) but because one is interested in understanding the effort and pain that those two months’ events of Exegesis (link) put PKD through. His novels become another way to almost see a person at work unravelling, shuffling, mixing things, trying to find a solution to this cosmic puzzle which he feels he has been exposed to, and which commands all his remaining life, because, really, once faced with something like that, how can anything else in this world ever match?

The book seems to take place in an alternate reality, which is around 2,000 years from the time of Jesus. Alternate because the world is different, quite at an advanced level of tech from our current world - with space travel, domes in space, colonies on other planets, cryonic suspension which kept dead/ almost dead people suspended to be revived as if in pause.

The novel circles around God seeking birth in the in an echo of the Virgin birth, and the people thus drawn in the story - Rybys (the mother), Herb (the father), and then the God-child's pursuit to remember himself (since in human form he seems to have forgotten) so that he can rid the world of the effects of the original fall. He is helped by divine characters in human form –Elias (prophet Elijah), and Zina. The assumption here is that everything has already happened, all future is history, just being lived through, contained in this specific bubble of a space-time which the beings and God in being form need to live through, and rediscover himself. There are many allusions throughout the book to different religious texts and strictures, and I’m glad that I was reading Paradise Lost around the same time and could gather some common allusions.

Partway through the book, reality changes to a completely different version at behest of one of the divine beings living as human. The characters are the same but their life’s background becomes completely different.  Quite interesting this treatment of reality and time and space, as if a ‘reality’ were an outfit to wear, easily modifiable by those who can, and the people living through whichever version not realising that the reality they observe didn’t really exist even a minute before. All their memories and whatever calls itself ‘past’ replaced say the very moment we encounter them in the book and unsuspecting, they seem to live through it as if that was all they have known forever, as if human beings were a computer program, operating against changing backgrounds and treating every background as the true reality in the moment of operation. (Many thorny issues with the way it is dealt, and linking it with the all future is past concept, but it keeps you occupied and is fun to keep daydreaming about.)

Overall though the book doesn’t really resolve itself well. And that’s the trouble with most sci-fi, and more so with sci-fi which attempt an understanding to the grandest puzzle that ever is. One is bound to be disappointed.

In this case, I feel some of the dissatisfaction might have something to do with storytelling and characters. The reader’s imagination needs characters through which they can live in the world of the book. They should provide enough space for the reader to fit in and project and make the novel come alive. Sometimes it is a little thread that can bind the reader’s imagination and the character together – a little identifiable vulnerability, sometimes just the basic human traits. But when you have characters who talk like the way the ten-year old supposed God talks in pompous-sounding statements (“You would lead the Lord your God?”), there is little space for a reader in that book’s world. Add to it changing realities and histories, and such stories can become quite impersonal and drifty, and a work to read through. The reader observes and reads because that is what a reader does, but with little heart.

One can hold on to the clueless Herb here. And one does.

**

One of the other thoughts it lets you ponder on is the nature of God. The story takes you through different ideas in an alternate world. And reimagines and reconsiders some of the existing religious scriptures and strictures in new light. Different religions regard their gods differently. But if the religion is too stricture heavy, where it seems as if they treat people as little children, instructing them on every little thing, even though evolved over ages and must have ancient wisdom, hence worth following, even though all that, it begins to feel constricting, this instructing higher power. Such instructing higher power starts to seem like a bureaucratic thing, a push to the middling areas, rather than a nurturing, trying to let people explore the infinities within or without kind of God one would like or even an indifferent absolute.

**

Another tangential thought is around prison of perception. PKD refers to prison of light, and he talks about memory. Thinking on those lines leads to some fun new ways of appreciating reality.

We do understand now that the way the light falls is what all reality is. (Read light as waves of all frequencies). We perceive this light with our limited bands of reception which our limited equipment can handle – waves we see, hear or feel. A very narrow band in all that really is out there which just misses us by because we don’t have the equipment to receive it. As if, walking blind and deaf in a rich, rippling, wavy universe and we can sense little of because that is the prison – the barred ranges of allowed perception. A little tweak, and who knows what we can see and perceive.

Add to it the way our minds perceive time. All the past and future seems to already exist out there, and we, with our limited understanding and vision of time, and a limited focus/spotlighting function, seem to be locked in a perpetual now, future invisible to us, and past as receding memories, the current moment always the biggest and most real, short sighted us. A little tweak here too, and who knows what we can fathom.

Barred from perceiving space (if space is just waves), barred from perceiving time (if time is past and future).  A subtle prison. And the thing is we don’t ever feel like we are in prison, we feel blessed to be living and experiencing what we are, because really, what else do we even know. We do sense that there is more to be known and what we do know is almost nothing, but we are defined by what we know and we build ladders to the unknown through known materials, so beyond feeling good about wherever we are, what else is to be done?

Apr 26, 2020

Paradise Lost

The current lock-down and the general slowing of life gave me the opportunity to attempt to read Milton’s Paradise Lost. (In January, I wouldn’t have thought I’ll be devoting hours reading this classic, but then, if not now, when?).

I haven’t read much of classics, almost nothing of drama and historical, epical poems like these, and I have no reference point to look at these except that of an interested and keen reader approaching a work of art with an open mind and no references to colour things. And as a personal experiment of sorts, I have tried to read it in as unprefaced a way as possible – refraining from reading around and about Paradise Lost and Milton - to give myself a clean, untinted lens to look at it and an empty slate to record it without feeling too encumbered by the weight and opinions which some of such works live under. Add to that, I am a level removed because quite unfamiliar with the mythology and the biblical references, and some of those contexts quite miss me (and I did need to look up some of these).

Given this blank slate reading, writing this I do feel a little like a vandaliser who perhaps does not know or understand the value of what they touch. Still, since some of these works are to work independent of all the aura around them, and that is perhaps how a classic is established, how much  it can react with you unfolding its magic without any other aid except the words. And I do react to it, it bothers and ruffles, and I have so many fragmented thoughts and questions. This is my attempt to collect some of those.

**

What is Paradise Lost?

In one sentence, it is Milton’s take on events around the expulsion of Adam and Eve from Paradise after partaking of the fruit from the tree of knowledge. As to the exact nature of the Paradise which is lost, and whether Adam and Eve were better off losing it, or whether it was really a Paradise or not is something to perhaps keep thinking about. Something perhaps the poet would have liked us to keep thinking about.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
Briefly, divided in 12 books or episodes, the poem opens in hell, where Satan and the rest of the fallen, ‘confounded’ angels, organise themselves under Satan to find a way to restore their lost glory, and alight on the plan to infest the newly created earth with evil. Satan, fighting his way through hell’s gates, death, sin, and into the deep chaos eventually makes his way to Earth’s shores. In heaven meanwhile, Godhead notices Satan’s arrival and tells of the events to come, and alludes to the fall. To which, the Son offers himself in his love and in lieu of mankind ("Behold me then: me for him, life for life/ I offer: on me let thine anger fall;")

Satan finds his way to Eden and manages to plant a dream in sleeping Eve’s mind before being found and sent away by angels. An angel from heaven arrives in Paradise and relates to Adam and Eve the potential trouble, and gives them context of the three-day heavenly battle that led to Satan’s fall, and eventually to creation of Earth by God’s Son and of Adam and Eve to lord over paradise perpetually in bliss. The angel asks them to be mindful and grateful. With their new understanding, Adam and Eve try to be careful, but Satan, still quite single-minded in his pursuit, takes a serpent form and finding Eve alone, leads her to the apple. 
So saying, her rash hand in evil hour
Forth reaching to the fruit, she plucked, she ate.
Earth felt the wound; and nature from her seat,
Sighing through all her works, gave signs of woe,
That all was lost.
Then follow the registering of the magnitude of the fall in slow degrees. Layered like waves, the realisations crash on the bewildered minds of these two child-like people. Reflected internally in their states of mind, externally in the weather, the retreating angels, the changed world, the eventual understanding of the irreversible sinks in. God’s son comes to judge Satan, Eve and Adam. Satan and the other fallen angels are reduced to serpents, the tree of knowledge takes root in hell and its fruit ash as they attempt to taste it. For Adam and Eve, the judgement is expulsion. An angel, before expelling them, softens the blow by sharing visions of the future which showcase mankind’s future, earthly joys and miseries, diseases, war, famine, flood, Noah’s ark to eventually God’s son's coming to Earth as Christ, and ending with the promise of a second coming.

Although one knows even as one opens the book that their paradise is about to be lost, still, the coldness of the creator, and the loss of these two vulnerable people (of all of humankind, perhaps the most), can quite get one.
They looking back, all th' Eastern side beheld
Of Paradise, so late thir happie seat,
Wav'd over by that flaming Brand, the Gate
With dreadful Faces throng'd and fierie Armes:
Som natural tears they drop'd, but wip'd them soon;
The World was all before them, where to choose
Thir place of rest, and Providence thir guide:
They hand in hand with wandring steps and slow,
Through Eden took thir solitarie way.

**


(The text - I read from a searchable version which simplified Milton’s spellings but for early sojourners like me, this itself was a milestone which I am celebrating in this post.)

Reading something like this - lyrical, flowing, quite removed from the cadences of all other conversations and all the real and fictional words and phrases generally mixing and merging and raining around you reveals a never-felt-before reading experience. Quite removed, quite sanctuary like. Requires a dedicated attention and devotion and muting of all other wordly matters around you.

The principal joy of this reading was in the reading aloud, the breathless rolling text, and because you move at speaking pace and not reading pace, and because it is not super easy but difficult enough, and because it is so graphic and full of action, like a movie, it rolls out in front of your eyes engulfing you completely, and presents the gore of hell and yet the politics of it all, and then the dread of the dark and the doom that seems to hit Earth the moment Satan hits the shore, it can drum up dread in air around you. 

This drumming up of dread – from this concentrated interaction with words of a poet dead for three centuries, is perhaps one of those unknowingly longed for moments, that a reader seems to be on quest for as they open book after book of stories waiting to unroll and unfold and drum up stuff out of thin air. Things which change you once you know them. And to think that the day before you didn’t even know you were walking headlong into it. And since I need to try to precisely pin this feeling – that unknowing of knowing or looking forward to knowing is a dry fact but the knowing seems to change you.

For me, now these joys await in Shakespeare, of whom I’ve read just a drama or two. This new delightful looking forward to, to all those long poetic texts waiting to be read aloud!


**

Reading a mythological/ historical work like this makes me wonder about how art works and engages us. Any art, be it a poem, a novel, a painting,  often creates a new world from scratch and pulls us in, and we try to fit into that world, trying to find characters we can pin affinities on, or empathise with, living through them in their world – all the time suspending our disbelief and living in the book or the art thus playing out in our imaginary vision.

Alternatively, art can engage with us in a third space of sorts, where, it plays off certain established or context-rich words or themes. Say words like 'heaven', 'hell', 'Adam & Eve'. Themes or words which may have lifetime worth of random observations, emotional responses and facts clustering or sedimented around them in the reader’s or observer’s mind. When it operates in that third space, lifting off a new point in the reader’s mind, it seems to interact with much more of a reader than just their imagination. And because it seems to interact with more of the reader, it becomes thought triggering, ruffling, at times, providing answers, and over time, they become classics. And we keep going back to them, perhaps not just to dip again in their beauty, but also, while dipping, since they speak to so much more of us, to find more of ourselves of times past and to uncover some more of our own thoughts thus refracted in their waters.

The artist’s freedom is in playing with the theme, characters, a new lift-off on a shared word, and if the artist’s take on the narrative ruts already established in the reader’s mind is as epic, it becomes the new reference point for history, myth or even superhero fiction. Which is perhaps what happens here. Once Satan seen through Milton’s eyes, difficult to go back.

**

Prior to this poem, my general impression of Satan, or the mental foothold where the poem leaps from in my reader's mind, is the general  idea gleaned from popular media that Satan is evil. And so are most mythical/ historical villains which are routinely caricaturised in most popular media. And as we read, we understand that Satan wishes to convert all good to evil, and in multiple ways. But in his portrayal, irrespective of his aims or objects which he seems to be bound to as if his very grain demands it, irrespective of all that, there is a respect and empathy in his detailing which is quite refreshing.

The poet brings him to life as an angel, rebellious, fallen, yet keen to better his and his ilk’s lot, brave, thoughtful, reflective. His portrayal, from his leadership in bringing together the fallen angels, to the assumption of the title of the king of the fallen ( “but who here/ Will envy whom the highest place exposes/ Foremost to stand against the Thunderer's aim/ Your bulwark, and condemns to greatest share/ Of endless pain?”), his political craftery, to his brave journey to find Earth, add nuances to his character, greater than those lent to any other character in the book, and perhaps very few other fictional characters I know of.

But the place which seems to lift him off the page for me, is when Satan, with his seemingly troubled heart, tired and reflective after his long trip from hell, on the shores of earth, with heaven in sight, contemplates his own eventual fall. Not after the battle in heavens, not before creation, but his real fall seems to happen right before Eve’s, when eventually, finally, he embraces evil. Through this reflective phase, later too, sitting atop the tree of life, he continues this long pause of reflection before finally leaping down to action. Perhaps this is here where the storytelling too leaps up to something else.
Yet, not rejoicing in his speed, though bold
Far off and fearless, nor with cause to boast,
Begins his dire attempt; which nigh the birth
Now rolling boils in his tumultuous breast,
And like a devilish engine back recoils
Upon himself; horror and doubt distract
His troubled thoughts, and from the bottom stir
The Hell within him; for within him Hell
He brings, and round about him, nor from Hell
One step, no more than from himself, can fly
By change of place: Now conscience wakes despair,
That slumbered; wakes the bitter memory
Of what he was, what is, and what must be
Worse; of worse deeds worse sufferings must ensue.
Troubled thoughts, troubled heart – caught between what was and what is to be, and almost fallen, fallen but not really, still striving, until takes the plunge down from the tree of life. The transitory moments, the moments that can capture the shifts, the change, between the branch and the ground.

Reading his reflection, I feel that the things that move us the most come from the margins, the edges, or these in-between two states, two spheres, the points of no return, the unknowing and the knowing, the tiny space between those two can hold the deepest and the purest points of feeling. Everything before and everything after is prose and prosaic. It is that pinning, that pining when one is neither this nor that (not because one doesn’t know, but one knows and can’t help it like Satan), the brief dusk, or the moment the sun comes out, right before. These points, these peaking spaces which seem to be the neck of the hourglass, the point where the sand passes through is the point where perhaps some of the best poetry happens. And hence Satan here gets the best lines, and then Adam as soon as he realises what Eve has done. That point, where the recognition of the change has reached the subconscious but not really registered in the conscious, that space and point.

It is not easy to replicate, because by nature such points are few and defining. But if captured, they sum up the past and the future and in them reveal the nature of things, be it what Satan stands for, or the point and the pointlessness of the rest of it all. The point of the rest of it all is to just arrive at this point hence the pointlessness.

**

Given that an act of rebellion triggered the whole chain of events eventually leading to the Paradise being Lost, the politics of heaven is quite central to this poem.

On one end, as the poem opens, we have these fallen angels in hell who had sided with Satan when Satan decided to question and rebel against Godhead’s power over heaven, now gathering, assessing and consolidating their remaining forces under the charismatic political maneuvering by Satan.Played out like one of Shakespeare’s Roman parliament/ political arena, the angels strategise, debate, each with quite nuanced, detailed arguments to consolidate their resources to be able to fight again, or to revenge, or to somehow dilute and lessen God’s power and authority.

Reading through this opening section in hell, and the subsequent ones played out in heaven, the realisation that hits one is that the ‘want’ of the fallen was somehow more intense, more interesting and more dramatic, and more closely felt/ observed by the poet, or lends itself better to empathy, and hence is better felt than the monotonous, unchanging bliss, or the perpetual ‘have’ of the remaining angels in heaven. Because of their strong need to change the unacceptable place they find themselves in, and the high-stake situation, there is a lot more motivation and movement, in the dynamic and leaping lines of the fallen than the relatively placid, stable, and hymn-like sections of heaven’s angels.

But the starkest, strangest point, that perhaps ruffled and intrigued me the most is around Godhead and his way of operating. Just going by the lines spoken by him through this poem, and the way there is so much of his effort mainly directed towards establishing a perpetual, uncontested reign of heaven,  and the Son, makes you pause and wonder at almost each of his lines, and makes you want to contest and argue about the godliness of such a God thus emerging from these lines, so wrought with human failings and full of human-like aspirations.

Son, thou in whom my glory I behold
In full resplendence, Heir of all my might,
Nearly it now concerns us to be sure
Of our Omnipotence, and with what arms
We mean to hold what anciently we claim
Of deity or empire: Such a foe
Is rising, who intends to erect his throne
Equal to ours, throughout the spacious north;
Nor so content, hath in his thought to try
In battle, what our power is, or our right.
Let us advise, and to this hazard draw
With speed what force is left, and all employ
In our defense; lest unawares we lose
This our high place, our sanctuary, our hill.

One then wonders about what brings it about. Perhaps a human drama, proximate to Milton in time or place, projected on the Gods for dramatic effect and to engage the common denominator in human-like prejudices and petty politics. Perhaps.

The initial battle in heaven itself where God’s decision to let the angels on both sides war it out and wear themselves out for two days before asking his Son to go with all of God’s forces and establish a final, glorious victory pushing out Satan and his co-conspirators to hell, in the context of the subsequent events, seems to feel like a power-play, a very human historic drama.

For thee I have ordained it; and thus far
Have suffered, that the glory may be thine
Of ending this great war, since none but Thou
Can end it. Into thee such virtue and grace
Immense I have transfused, that all may know
In Heaven and Hell thy power above compare;
And, this perverse commotion governed thus,
To manifest thee worthiest to be Heir
Of all things; to be Heir, and to be King
By sacred unction, thy deserved right.

The Son shines in the battle, but beyond the battle too, in the way creation and the loss of paradise comes about, it begins to feel as if, all that was just a second act to establish the son as – “Heir, and to be King/ By sacred unction, thy deserved right.” Creation, with the forbidden fruit in the middle of paradise seems to sing loud and clear the pre-ordained fall, forever since blamed on Eve, to be eventually retributed by the Son, because although he is and will be immortal in that universe, he chooses to come in mortal form on Earth to help save humanity. The Son seems to be the saving grace in heaven, who seems to offer himself out of immense love and mercy more becoming of a God.

This fall, this loss and this letting be picked up, and praise the Lord all the more for it, this, in a foreordained, and foreknown universe with a God who seems to have designed everything, eventually, ridiculously build to the realisation that all this so that the Godhead can retain heaven’s supremacy.

And when you look at things like that, it just makes you turn away from the God thus portrayed. Makes you wonder how poor our imagination of trying to portray the absolute. Not the poet’s fault. He builds a take on the long-held narrative.

The sad output of all the political actions in heaven is the perpetual bad name that Eve lives with. Almost everything brought down to that one action. And repeated often in heaven and Earth as a lest-you-forget reminder. But all the events that eventually lead to it and the reasons of laying out of past (Satan’s fall) and future(Son as Christ) seem to be forgotten or overlooked in the ease of pointing the finger at Eve’s judgement.  As if that was the trigger! As if she even had the luxury of choosing or not choosing the apple!

**

A creation mired in political reasons and hurtling towards judgment.

This portrayal of God and the general fragile nature of the way Creation and fall came about stays one of the most distressing things in the poem. Since the apple, everything dipped deep in shades of trespass, guilt, wrongdoing, which since the humanity still seems to seek some sort of forgiveness for and still awaits judgement. A sad loss for humanity, to have only such a narrow, instructing, injunctive, judging god to contemplate, who creates and then punishes a fragile transgression in seeming perpetuity.

Add to it this forbidding of seeking knowledge, and the angels’ admonishments to Adam and Eve to stay within their station, and not question the beyond, again highlights the poverty of our imaginations in creating such a finite sort of god. One shouldn't perhaps say such things as one knows little, but it feels too complicated and unbeautiful and against the very grain of simplicity and koan like beauty of what we do understand of the universe, it seems more a human projected on divine drama to make sense of the living and the joys and losses and the emotional range of being human,  and I should perhaps read it like that.

As to the almighty or the absolute, if anything, I would hope and think that whichever higher power or forces left us here in this floating spacetime, and gave us this gift of consciousness, one of the most beautiful things we can do is contemplate on the beauty and wonder of it all and seek and attempt to know and to understand.

**

In Milton’s take on this story, one of the most painful episodes is right after Eve and Adam eat the fruit and before they have been judged, even as Eden and the Earth and sky were changing and losing hospitality, there is this big loss of hospitality, of accord, of mutual regard and understanding between Adam and Eve. Together perhaps they could have created their little Eden wherever, but in the state described in book X, they seem to lose peace and paradise even in paradise.

He came; and with him Eve, more loath, though first
To offend; discountenanced both, and discomposed;
Love was not in their looks, either to God,
Or to each other; but apparent guilt,
And shame, and perturbation, and despair,
Anger, and obstinacy, and hate, and guile.
Leading me again to the question whether Eden was really the paradise that was lost? 

**

An observation - there are not many females in the poem. Eve, and Sin. And a few more who come up during vision session and are regarded with an admonishing eye. As to Eve and Sin, it feels like they both seek a room of their own of sorts. Initially sin, when she rues her fall and since then, the continuous series of hourly birth of monsters ("These yelling monsters, that with ceaseless cry/ Surround me") , and then Eve, who even before tempted by the serpent to the apple, felt stifled in Paradise, and sought some space of her own. A morning where she prefers to work apart from Adam saying:
If this be our condition, thus to dwell
In narrow circuit straitened by a foe,
Subtle or violent, we not endued
Single with like defense, wherever met;
How are we happy, still in fear of harm?
Quite an interesting take by the poet – whether needed to be done to let the serpent find Eve alone, or by design, it seems to sum up the lot. 
**

Note to Self: There are still many thoughts and fragments that need working through (esp around Eve, the space sci-fi nature of this story, the beautiful metaphors all through, the science of 1600s, and a lot more), but I wish to read Paradise Regained, and really keen to read a few other poetic dramas and hence need to close this for the moment.

Perhaps why we call them classics. One book can keep revealing, if we care to keep looking.

This post can also be read as a 'why we read' post. We read because of all this above.  Things which we didn’t think we had to say or that troubled and triggered and then eventually, things which we didn’t think we were thinking but as if these poems, these books give you little ropes and buckets to bring up stuff from your subconscious and lay them out and examine them at peace, one by one, and hence, examine yourself. Such joys and pleasures, where else?















Apr 12, 2020

Rosshalde

I picked this book by Herman Hesse at a second-hand book sale. Small, novella length book. Often attracted by its length, but as often detracted by the blurb which alludes to a tragedy, it took me a while to finally get around to reading it. And quite glad that I read it finally.

Long time ago I read his Siddhartha, which houses one of K’s favourite quotes, “I can think. I can wait. I can fast.” Something to aspire to live by and perhaps something quite apt for the strange current times too. More recently, I read Hesse’s Glass Bead Game. I loved the timeless sci-fi/ alternate reality book. That book too, like Siddhartha, seemed a world removed from ours, woven around an idea. The narrative held me quite well, but what I valued most is the thought-space that the book left me with - more than a fiction, a meditation on what living well could be, pursuing riches in thoughts, ideas, time and space to think and wonder rather than the material riches which tends to be the default hankering in our modern world.

Books such as these can be a treasure, not only providing the narrative satisfaction but can also leave you in a better space mentally/ richer in meditative, sorted thought or inspired thoughts not as instruction but as kindling for your personal thoughtspace. Perhaps it is for books like these that Virginia Woolf  says explode in your mind in a hundred questions, and open up several thought chains (or something on similar lines).

Similar to them in the treasured quality, but compared to those two, Rosshalde is relatively rooted in relatable realities. The story revolves around Veraguth, a famous painter and his idyllic estate, Rosshalde, where he lives with his wife and child. They live in the same estate, but separated. A visit from his highly adored friend opens up some of the packed emotions and seems to provide an inflection to Veraguth’s life.

The very first chapter sketches the scene around the artist, his work, his friend, his wife and his child. The rest of the book evolves like a painting in progress, with each successive chapter layering brushstrokes to this detailed opening sketch. The narrative starts to slowly deepen the colours of foreboding, of something very precious about to be lost, eventually mingling them with the dark colours of regret for the final stroke on this artwork of a novel.

Although this is a translated text, the writing itself echoes the artist it portrays. The novel reads like a word painting, if there were such a thing. Like an artwork commanding deep engagement, the book makes you want to linger on the pages longer, savouring and re-reading.  Trying to think back to what other books or stories have brought up similar thoughts, and I think of AS Byatt’s Matisse Stories. There seems to be something that when authors start talking about visual artists, their own works seem to become multidimensional  – they invoke not just the visual, but almost every other sense, as if the influence of a great artist at work, influences them to pin down all the details of the moment that can bring it alive in the reader’s mind. There are others too, people like Nabokov and Virginia Woolf, whose prose can give you that feeling, but perhaps not in so few words. Here, Hesse does it like poets. I do not understand musical harmony, but I think of the word harmony in the context of this novel.  And the balance is that of a koan writer’s. Just enough and no more.

**

Attention, observation, noticing, registering – all the things perhaps we should load our moments with when not completely absorbed or occupied. This is what I takeaway from the novel. The frames of the novel move forward through these scenes expressed in perhaps one, two or three paras, a lot of breathing space for the imagination to participate and help unfold a chapter worth’s of detail around its characters and their living. Intensely observed moments.

For example, in the opening pages, there is this little section where the painter after his coffee, cigar, conversation is settling back into his concentrated perusal of the art that he’s working on, and the servant is observant enough to realise that slow vanishing and reminds Veraguth of something, and as of ‘in the manner of an exhausted man spoken to when on the point of falling asleep’, he is pulled out and you can intensely feel the loss that he feels - this broken concentration, and the way he reacts, trying to establish his authority back over the moment, miffed, and then ends up annoyed with himself. So long it takes to find that elusive space, so many things need to go right, and takes little to throw you off. Just three paragraphs and so much conveyed!! And you feel with him. 

For someone to capture life like that, not just in the noticed sensory details, but in the observed, fluid, seemingly unavoidable mixing and splashing of consecutive moments and yet, the artist’s keenness to retain the purity & sanctity of moments. Difficult for me to put it in words, and I can just wonder at how the characters observe and how the author manages to convey something in a hundred words that would take me pages and pages to explain the delight of. A pleasure, and a real privilege to stumble on pages like these. 

In one of the opening pages, over a few lines, we understand how Veraguth and his wife feel towards each other, we sense the estrangement, the tension, yet the unrevealing front towards Pierre. Just a few words and the scene is sketched.  And through the book, a phrase here, and a para there, fills in the rest of the picture.
"Though she had ceased to love her husband she still regarded the loss of his affection as a sadly incomprehensible and undeserved misfortune."
Another instance, where, between the couple - ‘a strange shadow of resignation, patience and politeness’. And it unsettles one. These three emotions, all very nice perhaps, but can really be perceived cruelly when what is expected is passion. One feels that things that perhaps require a passionate discussion or address, get smashed, trashed and totally crushed under resignation, politeness and patience. Good emotions to wear for strangers, neighbours and acquaintances, maybe relatives, but cannot be all that is in between a husband and a wife. Those three words, and one can feel the cold distance between them.

**

For me, the best loved parts in the book are around the process of art. The joy and wonder of seeing an artist at work, in process, creating a masterpiece. Insights which one doesn’t usually stumble on, so beautifully laid out for you.  For instance, in the opening chapter, this image captivates the artist - a fisherman on boat who has just appeared through the milky morning mist on the silvery lake and the mirror-like lake, the elusive mist, the silvery fish:
Veraguth saw a “Dark outline bathed in the cold, faintly quivering light of the milky rainy daybreak” and was  “Instantly captivated by the scene and by the strange light”. “Since then he had turned the picture over and over in his mind, suffering torments until it took shape.”
This torment to captivate that image on canvas. He submits all of his conscious and unconscious hours to the image:
“In the last few years he had become accustomed on nights before working days to take no other image to bed and sleep with him than that of the painting he was working on.”
”Compelling the picture to take form on his retina. Saturated with it, he closed his clear grey eyes, heaved a gentle sigh, and soon fell asleep.”
He sees something - a minute of seeing, and weeks of tormented preoccupation. Leads me to think that if one were to aspire to make art, then perhaps something like this, and nothing less - the output that can engage for a minute but captivate and occupy a willing audience for much longer.

This bit here, is more of an inspiration section for me. I have a lot of ideas, and little skill, but at any time I try to sketch, I can, as if, dip into a richer reality because, suddenly, one observes and notices so much more, that even if you close your eyes, you can almost see the colours, how the light falls, the curves, the angles, how reflections interact with shadows, all summoned to the deeper reality by that 'unrelenting line'. (here I am reminded of this quote from one of Annie Dillard's books - "The draftsman must aggress; only by persistent assault will the live image capitulate and give up its secret to an unrelenting line." )

Even if one has tried to sketch nothing more than a cup and saucer reflecting light or tried to paint flowers and wondered and wondered and struggled with how to capture that elusive white streak to make the picture come alive, one can gain some sort of an almost understanding of what the author expresses here:

Veraguth stood facing his large canvas with the three figures, working on the woman’s light bluish-green dress. On her throat a small gold ornament glittered sad and forlorn, alone to catch the precious light which found no resting place on the shaded face and gilded alien and joyless over the cool blue dress…the selfsame light which played gaily and tenderly in the blond tousled hair of the beautiful child beside her.
He felt the music of the light, how its resounding stream dispersed and came together again, how it flagged on meeting resistance, how it was absorbed but triumphed invincibly anew on every receptive surface, how it played on the colours with capricious but infallibly precise sensibility, intact despite a thousand refractions and in all its playful meanders unswervingly faithful to its inborn law. And with relish he breathed the heady air of art, the bitter joy of the creator who must give himself till he stands on the brink of annihilation, and can find the sacred happiness of freedom only in a n iron discipline that checks all caprice and gains moments of fulfilment only through ascetic obedience to his sense of truth.

And as any good art that needs to transcend the labour and technique that goes in it, and yet convey the magic, here's his desire:
But the things that torment me now have nothing to do with technique. Do you know, more and more often in the last few years something I see brings back my childhood. In those days everything looks different; one day I hope to put something of that in my painting. Once in a while I recapture the feeling for a moment or two, suddenly everything has that special glow again – but that’s not enough. We have so many good painters, sensitive, discriminating men who paint the world as an intelligent, discriminating, unassuming old gentleman sees it. But we have none who paints it as a fresh, high-spirited, imperious boy sees it, and most of those who try to are poor craftsmen.

**

Through the book, there are numerous references to the discipline and loving hard work, the attention and the at times achieved with difficulty and at times, the byproduct of his life choices – the artist’s solitude that he offers his art. It is inspiring to see people pursuing something and working intently. Here’s one of those instances where what’s on display is the life behind the art that is on public display. 
“So this was how these pictures, hung in the places of honour in galleries all over the world and sold at higher prices, were made; they were made in rooms that knew only work and self- denial, where one could find nothing festive, nothing useless, no cherished baubles of bric-a-brac, no fragrance of wine or flowers, no memory of women.”
Eventually, the choices that lead him to this solitude, or the compelling nature of his art comes in sharp focus under the lens of regret when he sits near his child, Pierre as he breathes his last few breaths. 
"Oh, how often little Pierre had come to him and found him tired or indifferent, deep in his work or lost in care, how often his mind had been far away as he held this thin little hand in his and he had scarcely listened to the child's words, each one of which had now become an inestimable pleasure. That could never be made good."

And this deep regret, which is perhaps the most natural human reaction in the face of deep grief, sends me tangentially on this wonder about how human mind works. Our immediate tends to take significance magnitudes beyond anything that goes prior, even at times seemingly aligning past narratives, nudging them such that they seem to thread causally to the present. 

But isn't this cats in the cradle feeling (the song) a one-dimensional way of looking at things? This way of seeing things, this knifing/ shuffling through the memories foregoing all other angles, with uneven weights - on one end, the present with this child and the grief, and on the other, all the decisions you ever made and all the things you did, in each lived moment making your choices and assigning weights relative to the time and understanding then, and then arriving at this moment of grief, to reassign new, big weights to the end with pain, with the vulnerable child, and the misery – it seems a very uneven comparison, set to throw everything off. In the face of the tragedy in the book, this, my writing it like this sounds inappropriate, heartless and rude at some level. Still, just to think, given a chance, how many people are willing to change the lived lives to align it to the new weights and narrative.

Living through our perpetual now, if we already knew of what's to be to help us weigh in everything and make good decisions, then where is the joy of living and stumbling and discovering your future with all its faults, follies and foibles.

Mar 29, 2020

A Doll's House

Written in 1879, this is one of Henrik Ibsen’s social dramas around women’s place in home or society. The play opens with Nora, a wife and a mother (as she’s described through the play) coming home after shopping on Christmas eve, and takes place over three days and three Acts. Beginning with the warm, family evening of Christmas prep which left me feeling the couple talking as if kids playing grown-ups (and the deeper current of how he treats her or what he expects from her), it explores the repercussions of a debt that Nora had taken in times of need unknown to her husband while he was sick, and in her naivety/ innocence of commercial matters and in her devoted love agreed to terms quite unfavourable.

The play unfolds as she gets tied up more and more in trying to keep the matter hidden from Torvald, the husband, and tries to resolve the issue by herself, which, one would think, should have been resolved by them talking and working it through rather than her bearing the weight of that decision alone. But then, we wouldn’t be reading about how she eventually realises that she lives, as if, in a doll’s world.

There are a few other themes detailed in the play but the one that raises most questions in my mind is about a couple as a unit or the couple as Torvald, the husband and master of their household and Nora as a subject.

From the point of view of today’s time and age, the question bothers, grates and provokes.  But I try to remember that the play is from the times of a century and half ago.  I perhaps need to read more from that time to be able to properly compare and contextualise where Nora and Mrs Linde stand vis-a-vis other women of that time. Searching in my own understanding of history (from growing up context in India) or from my limited reading of those times, I feel that they seem to fare better in independence. Elsewhere in the world, perhaps Nora would not even have been able to buy macaroons on her own, forget taking a debt in her own name or Mrs Linde working and running an independent household. From limited contexts, I think of Isabel Archer, and her need to get married. I think of Carol Milford from Main Street of 1920s. Compared to them, I felt that Nora, when she eventually sits down to have her chat with her husband was quite ahead of her times.

So, although, reading it in 2020, one can get quickly bothered by the way Torvald Helmer seems to pin down boundaries for Nora, but I think it is not fair to colour my views on the play in that emotion.

Devoid of historical contexts, plays or stories like these, about seemingly real people in seemingly average times need some sort of extremes or stretching away from the routine behaviour or situation to bring out the reactions from its characters, and make some sort of lasting impression that 140 years away too, one can feel for Nora when she gasps for air, struggling for a room of her own equivalent when she has one of her final conversations with Torvald:
“It is perfectly true, Torvald. When I was at home with father, he told me his opinion about everything, and so I had the same opinions; and if I differed from him I concealed the fact, because he would not have liked it. He called me his doll-child, and he played with me just as I used to play with my dolls. 
I mean that I was simply transferred from father’s hands into yours. You arranged everything according to your taste, and so I got the same tastes as you – or else I pretended to, I am not really sure which – I think sometimes the one and sometimes the other. When I look back on it, it seems to me as if I had been living here like a poor woman – just from hand to mouth. I have existed merely to perform tricks for you, Torvald. But you wanted it like that. You and father have committed a great sin against me. It is your fault that I have made nothing of my life.”
Nora speaks not only for her, but perhaps for a lot of people who, while living in relatively comfortable situations, tend to lack that space - not for the lack of means but for the lack of some sort of permission. Why should they seek permission for this space? One would think that beyond the requirements of a well-functioning family unit where members tend to subdue parts of their selves to make a home and family life enjoyable, which is perhaps a choice and offering of the members, not a demand on only one member of the unit. And because of this, if she still struggles for that space, the reason perhaps sits at the root of how families, societies are set up.

Separate from dynamics of a family and the question of physical time and space for individual pursuits, there’s the deeper question of thoughts and independence of those thoughts. With Torvald sharing views and directing thought from larger matters, such as his belief that root of all evil in people is a fault of their mothers, not something that perhaps both parents need to wonder about, to things like embroidery, where he thinks women should embroider rather than knit because it is more graceful. Although a small detail, but sometimes, philosophies are laid bare in details like these. Prejudiced thought space exists across times and places in different forms and perhaps biases can never be fully taken away – just the way we are programmed. But the freedom to stick to and hold their own independent prejudices as a partner in a unit, and not blanket buy into the ones set by the ‘head’ of the unit is a freedom that sometimes goes missing in different set-ups (be it family, societies, nations), and leads to the kind of strife and an unfulfilled sense which is what Nora seems to grapple with.

About the fault though, I try to believe that fault lies not in our stars, ‘but in ourselves, that we are underlings’. It would have been nicer to have her eventual conclusion something stronger, something other than her believing herself to be a victim of her circumstances. I feel it is somehow empowering to believe that what we make of our lives is a person’s responsibility irrespective of the boundaries that are randomly pinned around them.


**

I have not read many plays. And being new, I am brimming with observations on the genre – I realise that plays provide little buffer or softening to the author in terms of a narrator or commentary. The characters are shown live, and to help the reader contextualise them, they must carry all their prejudices, views of the world on their sleeve, and it may not be pretty at times. Plays also seem to demand a more active engagement on the part of the audience or the reader since you need to build the character sketch & historical narrative through following their conversation, and they cannot be too obvious or forthcoming, so you need to let imagination play an active role in meaning making.

Another aspect is the way the drama unfolds. In this play itself, even as one gets a little miffed with the opening conversation, you realise that your focus was drawn to one end of the stage while the author has been busy setting up and illuminating the action that unravels at the centre of the stage, just like the way illusionists and magicians work, and shuffling between the trivial and the patronising nature of that opening, you suddenly come head to head with the deep undercurrent of despair & ‘life is elsewhere’ feeling that runs at the core of this drama.  And you humbly realise that you should not judge too soon, and you begin to understand what Salman Rushdie meant while talking about Vonnegut and Slaughterhouse-five, “It sees war as a tragedy so great that perhaps only the mask of comedy allows one to look it in the eye” -  the need for another emotion to lighten the load of the deeper current. 

Another thought is that sometimes, real-like people behaving in unreal ways people can strangely draw oblique mirrors to things we confront within ourselves, and soften the conversation a bit with their seeming unreality.


**

Henrik Ibsen grew up in Norway. His father’s bankruptcy when he was a child and the related growing up hardships and the neglect of the relatively richer relatives informed his social dramas. In the intro note on the author, we are told that “The ground was thus prepared for the future writer who was to castigate the false respectability and complacency of the middle classes.”  and that “Life had to wound his soul till it bled before his writing could proceed from bitter need, from an inner strife which demanded dramatic expression.

It seems that the very poor seem to treat the realities around them differently than the middle classes, which, once settled and anchored with their small worlds, mediocre possessions, find themselves too invested in their little kingdoms to risk or toss it all for any kind of movement away from their limited/ non-extreme worldviews towards any kind of majorly radical idea. I read somewhere that when it is too easy, the will weakens – not just at a personal level, but whole societies can fall ill. Abundance being harder for us to handle than scarcity. (Something to perhaps think of as we consider the larger discussion on universal basic income, and the invigorating power of the ‘want’ rather than the ‘have’.)

Where complacency or comfort tends to dull us and induces solipsistic thinking, change or movement, from one extreme to another, or times of flux or chaos or the unsettled and uncertain nature of things seems to make the moments of passing so much richer - deepening and stretching the same moments, livening & layering them with imagined certainties buzzing around the uncertainties. Same moments which seem to blink by when things get comfortable can be unimaginable gifts of experience and thought.

And yet, the way we seem to have set up this world and our lives, the middle, the mediocre, the centre, the average becomes the end and the bind. Perhaps it should not be.

And yet again, how to live and what is the objective is a much larger question to think about and handled easier by working out from an individual level. Whether to seek stability, peace in the middle, or the flux and richness and intensity of moments - which objective function to maximise is a problem with the constants themselves colored in variables of individual preferences over time. Trying to get to a society level answer is pretty complicated.

**

I try to turn the question to myself. And with all these general realisations, comes crashing the personal realisation that sometimes things are easier said than done. With all the knowledge and wisdom, which we all seem to have access to and loads of, the commitment to action on that derived, personal wisdom is still so difficult to consistently live upto. One still automatically seeks peace. Chaos, flux and uncertainties can be lived with as if passing through a tunnel, but it doesn’t come naturally - this seeking of the flux.

So, after all this journey of reading and then writing about it, one just comes home to a more nuanced understanding of one’s own motives, desires and eventual actions. What more can one ask for?



Mar 20, 2020

The Obverse of the Sublime

I read a beautiful essay by Italo Calvino yesterday, called the 'Obverse of the sublime'. The essay is about him visiting the Imperial Palace in Japan in a guided tour group. It begins by describing an autumn tree in Japan.
“But it is not with an act of outrageous chromatic arrogance that the maples impose themselves on one’s view: if the eye is drawn towards them as though lured by a musical motif, it is because of the lightness of their starry leaves. Which seem suspended around their thin branches, the leaves all horizontal, without depth, yearning to expand and at the same time not to clutter the transparency of the air.”
I was floored at the ‘yearning to expand and at the same time not to clutter the transparency of the air’. How can one think and write like that and pass on that joy to the reader? It amazes me, fascinates me.  He not only brings what he sees alive for you, but draws you deeper in his contemplation and worldview. Literally opening up a treasure chest of ways of seeing for you.

This essay leading me, I read through his travelogues from Japan. And the combination of Calvino’s ways of seeing and Japan’s ways of being is quite otherworldly.
“New to the country, I am still at the stage where everything I see has a value precisely because I don’t know what value to give it. When everything finds an order and a place in my mind then I will start not to find anything worthy of note, not to see any more what I am seeing. Because seeing means perceiving differences, and as soon as differences all become uniform in what is predictable and everyday, our gaze simply runs over a smooth surface devoid of anything to catch hold of.  Travelling does not help us much in understanding but it does serve to reactivate for a second the use of our eyes, the visual reading of the world.”
From what he says about travel, one can perhaps extend to unravel the riches in the ordinary, or the familiar. The way we seem to perceive reality is quite a patchwork of memory and observation. At times, by playing around with space and time - by stepping away, by changing the vantage point or by focusing on another aspect of the observed, we can ruffle the memory a bit to reconfigure itself and in turn, reactivate ourselves for a better ‘visual reading of the world’. Every act of looking anew changes the observed.

Reading him, it seems that richness of feeling, of observing, of living a fuller, deeper, more felt life does not require a lot. It sometimes just needs an openness to feel, and a patience and malleability to let things appear in a form unknown to you, and to be able to play around with the ideas, and then, a simple thing as leaves falling from a gingko tree can hold the keys to a deep meditative state, where one thought can lead to another, and before you know it, you unravel deep secrets of your own which you didn’t even know existed.

A simple thing, this art of seeing in a new way, but, powers so magical – we go seeking out in the world for riches, for more and more, and here, he shows you this new power, where your whole world gets upgraded instantly to a new level.

**
Here, just some water,
There amidst the trees
The sea!

The gardens, designed by poet-architects, are made to be experienced and evoke epiphanies like this haiku here. I haven’t really seen any Japanese gardens as such, or read a lot about them, but under his gaze, the gardens and all their reflected poetry seems to come alive.
“The construction of a nature that can be mastered by the mind so that the mind can in turn receive a sense of rhythm and proportion from nature: that is how once could define the intention that has led to the layout of these gardens. Everything here has to seem spontaneous and for that very reason everything is calculated.”
“Hillocks, rocks, slopes, multiply the landscape. […] The Japanese passion for the small that provides the illusion of the big comes out also in the composition of the landscape.”
On the pools of water in Japanese gardens,
“There are usually two of them, one of flowing water, the other a still pool, which create two different landscapes, to tone in with two different states of mind.” 
And just by reading his take on these pools, I seem to stumble on some sort of solution for my own internal struggles – those of width vs depth, the look out vs the look in, action vs contemplation. These pools a visual to solve for those complex inner battles. Two lakes. One for each state of mind. Beautiful.

**

His curious, observing, reflecting gaze falls on Japanese houses, palaces, the aesthetic of unobtrusive, ‘the bare and the unadorned’, and he wonders whether this ideal “was achievable only at the peak of authority and wealth, and whether it presupposed other houses chock-full of people and tools and junk and rubbish, with the smell of frying, sweat, sleep, houses full of bad moods, people rushing, places where shelled peas, sliced fish, darned socks, washed sheets, emptied bed-pans.”

It makes you think about yourself, and wonder at what he calls, “the heavy weight of existences that materializes in our furnishings and impregnates all our Western rooms.” When you begin to think about it, you realize that one cannot exclude everything. The normal life must carry the weight of the living, “the smell of the frying”, etc, but how much of the life the task of living should occupy – this arriving at essentials through exclusion requires a going through and is a matter of discernment, and perhaps, that is the question to be lived through.

Very soon, this chain of observation on housing and its aesthetics leads him to reflect on the cost of culture itself. He has this conversation with a fellow student tourist:
 ‘Do you like all this?’ asked my student. ‘I cannot help thinking that this perfection and harmony cost so much misery to millions of people over the centuries.’
‘But isn’t the cost of culture always this?’ I object. Creating a space and time for reflection and imagination and study presupposes an accumulation of wealth, and behind every accumulation of wealth there are obscure lives subject to labour and sacrifices and oppression without any hope. Every project or image that allows us to reach out towards another way of being outside the injustice that surrounds us carries the mark of the injustice without which it could not have been conceived.
This understanding and acknowledgement of the cost of culture, which many of us in a bid to explain the world around fair narratives often choose to ignore or overlook or push away from the view, because it is not pretty and sullies the landscape a bit. But having that understanding of the cost helps, makes one conscious of the privilege and hopefully, mindful enough to not squander it, since it carries not only the weight of one person’s life and thoughts, but the weight of history, of all the lives that went before to be able to provide us with that “different space and time, a proof that the total domination of sound and fury can be challenged…”  Another paradoxical, non-linear way of seeing things. And we need more people who can show us things like that - in few words, carrying a weight of years of reflection and consideration. Things which perhaps need to enter the common ways and currencies of thinking.

It did make me realise the position of privilege that I have, to be able to spend an afternoon ruminating over one essay from Calvino’s collection of sand, when rest of the world struggles with what seems like the defining moment of this decade, the way wars were for the last century.

**

I can keep quoting from those essays on Japan. His essays laid out like the Japanese gardens he writes about. The writing rich in meditations, observations, digressions, which can both serve as a trigger and a trainer to one’s thinking and seeing.

“It is by limiting the number of things around us that one prepares oneself for accepting the idea of a world that is infinitely larger than ours. The universe is an equilibrium of solids and voids. The words and gestures that accompany the pouring of the foaming tea must have space and silence around them, but also a sense of inner meditation, a limit.”

**

Elsewhere, he talks about the moon.
“Love for the moon often has its double in love for its reflection, as if to stress a vocation for mirror games in that reflected light.”
And the way life works sometimes, this morning, I woke up to a beautiful sight as if directly from Calvino’s Collection of sand - the moon and the stars, reflected in the pool.

The depths of the sky so calmly and so beautifully reflected in the shallow pool. I couldn’t see the moon from the window when I looked out, was too high in the sky, but saw it down below, unexpectedly, looking up to me from the pool.

Interestingly, I haven’t seen anything like this ever. I have seen moon reflected in a lake, and often in the ocean, but that’s not the same. Those waters are moving often, never this calm, so calm, that if someone disoriented you, you wouldn’t know whether you were looking up to the sky or down to the pool.

The unruffled calmness can make a shallow pool of water hold the sky. And I seem to understand Calvino’s essay a little better.

Mar 15, 2020

The Cost of Living

I am new to Deborah Levy’s writing. British author, born in South Africa (her mum identified with Doris Lessing's Martha Quest), she has written several novels, poems and plays. I haven't read anything else yet, but this book is a memoir, so, in a way, a good place to begin to get to know the author a little.

This memoir was written as she was moving out of her marriage and into a new identity. Everything around her is disintegrating, and she seeks a new composition. Her life, in that state of flux, partly in the past which seemed to vanish in ruins, and partly in the future, which she’s trying to compose with us. And as tends to be the nature of transitions and flux, the 'gift' of the troubles, the time and space proximate to the churn and chaos can be a rich source of memories, thoughts and feelings, life aground, thrown asunder while the person, gasping for air, helpless, seeking a grip, or an anchor, if not a float, digging, searching everywhere, shallow, deep in that accumulated debris of living.

And as readers, we are the ones rewarded with those feelings encapsulated in a slim volume that one can read through over an evening, and mull over for a month.

Through this memoir, as an outsider to herself, she tries to observe her own past selves at different stages of her life, and bit by bit, reclaims her own 'self', giving permissions not sought previously, and laying out new, extended boundaries for that 'self'- composing herself anew in that disintegration.

Her life revolves around writing: 
“At this uncertain time, writing was one of the few activities in which I could handle the anxiety of uncertainty, of not knowing what was going to happen next.”
And her grief, her spring of ideas. As an analogue to her situation, she offers the following from Proust,
"Ideas come to us as the successors to griefs, and griefs, at the moment when they change into ideas, lose some part of their power to injure the heart."
Her prose at times, perhaps in an unintended way, exposes her vulnerability, her fragile state and yet her humility, faith and openness to life. Struggling to make ends meet, living in a small apartment, seeking a room of her own, she finds a guardian angel of sorts, who gives her the shed to write in and lets her that much needed space, the solitude and a desk – “to be valued and respected in this way, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, was a new experience.”

Like Camus, she says, she has an invincible summer inside of her. And amidst all the chaos, and holding together of self and life, she finds her joy in writing, 
“An idea presented itself, came my way, perhaps hatched from a grief, but I did not know if it would survive my free-floating attention, never mind my more focused attention. To unfold any number of ideas through all the dimensions of time is the greatest adventure of the writing life.”
**

The rewards of reading such a memoir are in the contemplation of parallels and intersections. Laying bare their lived, raw moments, closely examining them for the reader, the author, subtly coaxing you, as a reader, to reflect and go on that journey into the interior yourself, drawing out meanings and questions from the author's deep-in-the-chaos narrative. At times then, one agrees with the author, and at other times, views diverge significantly. Not only it allows you to know the author a little more, it lets you know yourself a little more.

She struggles with several questions - of having it all, of minor and major characters in an equal relationship, of femininity and of masks, of how to be in a new context uprooted from a life built over twenty years, and when everything’s up for the taking, what do you take.
“It is so hard to claim our desires and so much more relaxing to mock them.”
I find the following thoughts that she shares on her mother beautifully summing up the struggle she tries to live through, of finding the self while playing the role.
“There is a photograph I have kept of my mother in her late twenties. She is sitting on a rock at a picnic with friends. Her hair is wet because she’s just had a swim.  There is a kind of introspection in her expression that I now relate to the very best of her. I can see that she is close to herself in this random moment. I’m not sure that I thought  introspection was the best of her when as a child and teenager. What do we need dreamy mothers for? We do not want mothers who gaze beyond us, longing to be elsewhere. We need her to be of this world, lively, capable, entirely present to our needs.   
Did I mock the dreamer in my mother and then insult her for having no dreams?”
It sums up the struggle so nicely. Yet the inherent certainty of the statement – "we do not want mothers who gaze beyond us…” somehow ends up distressing me.  I strongly feel that by giving such words a sense of certainty, even in the context of recounting the past, and not letting them breathe in doubt or even a ‘perhaps’,  we draw firm boundaries that the author might have questioned, but seemingly accepted. I feel that one needs to let such seeming 'certainties' stand in a fog of doubt, to let them some space to shift.

Just the way I feel about 'certainties' like these floating around everywhere in all kinds of media.

A little later, she portrays the complicated world of women wishing to have it all – “When our father does the things he needs to do in the world, we understand it is his due. If our mother does the things she needs to do in the world, we feel she has abandoned us. It is a miracle she survives our mixed messages, written in society’s most poisoned ink. It is enough to drive her mad.” 

Maybe it is so, maybe not. The way most world seems to currently approach this situation of women wishing to have a fuller life. I feel that perhaps the questioning needs to happen at the level of the mother bothered by the mixed messages and the poisoned ink - why does she need to be so bothered? Can we do something about that? Perhaps if we begin looking at that question, and ponder on that, we might find a way out of the difficulty of even calling it a ‘having it all'. 

A difficult question. Easy to frame it for others, but the moment one begins to look inside, and ‘live’ the question the way Rilke asks us to, we get to grasp the difficulty and enormity of the work needed, the internal work. 

**

An interesting read. Will hopefully read more from the author soon.

Mar 10, 2020

VALIS by Philip K. Dick

First word – joy. This SF marks my third completed book of the year. Glad to have come across it. Held me for an evening, and then left me with some 100 things to look up and understand further and has been living in my head since, fusing the story with all the other things I stumble on because of it.

This book, like other books from the substance abused period of 60s and 70s (?), at the plot level, talks about rationality, insanity, mental hospitals, substances, related depression, suicide, and the general downward spiral of life which has lost its anchor and doesn’t really know what and where to call home.

But, at the idea level, it explores the nature of reality as an illusion.  VALIS is an acronym of Vast Active Living Intelligence System – a perturbation in the reality field, caused by something not of our world. The protagonist (PKD, the author with another name) witnesses it, and tries to make sense of it.

What PKD does for us is takes this theme of questioning the perceived reality, trying to fathom the unknowable which many sci-fi books explore in their own ways, at times by imagining potential futures, and at other times through alternate scenarios or displaced realities, but often, a lot of sci-fi books fail to reach escape velocity, and end back in the same human drama that they try to transcend in the first place.

I guess in the case of VALIS, the fiction was never the point. The framing of the book seems to be the introduction of the relatively obscure thoughts in his Exegesis. And then the author trying to put in some sort of fictional narrative to explore what happens to him in his perceived reality. Making sense of VALIS being the key driver and illusory nature of reality the key idea.

In his real world, he believed that “God or someone calling himself God, had fired precious information”.  To give us an understanding of how he feels about it, he quotes from an aria by Handel, ‘Deeper, and deeper still’ to give us an opposite reference point to consider:

Total eclipse! No sun, no moon,
All dark amidst the blaze of noon!
Oh, glorious light! No cheering ray
To glad my eyes with welcome day!
Why this deprived Thy prime decree?
Sun, moon and stars are dark to me!”
And in his case, he is on the diagonally opposite end of this darkness in the blaze of noon – he was illuminated by some otherworldly light.  And rest of his life becomes an exercise in making sense of and making peace with that event.

After that peak of an experience, trying to live through routine life’s much blander days, in his despair, he says “They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep him.” And one can almost feel his seemingly infinite loss.

In his fictional world – “The exegesis [...] an attempt by a beleaguered mind to make sense of the inscrutable.” After comparing it to borderline mental illness, he says, not only just that, but  “you ponder forever over these fluctuations in an effort to order them into a coherency, when in fact the only sense they make is the sense you impose on them, out of the necessity to restore everything into shapes and processes you can recognize.”

To put his thoughts in recognizable forms, he borrows from, reflects on and quotes from a wide range of thoughts, philosophies to set the context and background to what he wishes to say.

On the illusory nature of reality, he gives us – ‘that our world is only seeming’; it is only “Obvious structure” which is under the mastery of an unseen “latent structure”, and he quotes Heraclitus, “The nature of the things is in the habit of concealing itself.”

Here’s him borrowing from Richard Wagner’s Parsifal, to explore reality, as if, it were a maze
“There is no route out of this maze. The maze shifts as you move through it, because it is alive.
PARSIFAL: I move only a little, yet already I seem to have gone far.
GURNEMANZ: You see, my son, here time turns into space.”

**

The Exegesis which VALIS keeps referring to is 8,000 pages of notes left behind by PKD to explore the events of 1974. The printed book, The Exegesis of Philip K Dick is 900 pages long. One can feel the anguish of the author, seeking to rediscover and pin down his experience – revising, reframing, thinking afresh, trying every which way to fathom the elusive, his remaining life becoming a meditation on that single event. Little we know as to how some of these things work. The human brain is still one of the darker, underexplored secrets of science, consciousness, reality. The author believed his experience was real, and that is good enough at times. Reality itself is a function of so many variables – the observed, the limited equipment that we have for observing, and our lived background where we project the observed to arrive at ‘reality’. Everyone’s reality can be pretty unique. PKD tried to explain it to himself, and because life gifted him with something otherworldly to consume and be consumed by, he, through his thoughts, leaves us with so many new/ old thoughts in a reframed way – real or not, they are quite unique – a very non-routine thing in this routine existence.  And just for that, it is a book worth reading.

Perhaps my only gripe with the idea is around some of the clunkiness it roots itself in on one end. It believes that anything prior to 1974 was a sort of implanted memories for entire world and the world was living around 100 AD in 1974. This seems quite complicated. And quite random. The beauty of this universe is in its simplicity, the elegance of the construct, in its use of really nothing to create this elaborate, vivid, brilliant manifestation – and hence, something about it, the arbitrary nature of 1974 feels a bit random and sticks out. On the other end, the clunkiness roots in the belief that there needs to be a saviour to bring back the golden days, and the book eventually turns to a search for that potential saviour – all interesting but seems to turn the book back into one of those ending on a little disappointing note kind of SF, finding hurried solutions in escapist arguments – externalising salvation. (I set myself for disappointment by seeking too much from SF)

Despite this, about the core idea, I can keep talking about and thinking about it for hours. At some level and in certain moods, I try to ascribe to similar ways of considering the universe – as an illusion, maya, call it with whatever name, and this is where some of the fundamental thoughts about considering the universe converge in the past, in different cultures, in different schools of thoughts, in different thought chains that have been handed down to us, the finest ones tend to regard this ‘reality’ as illusory, and world as ‘seeming’. And the amazing thing is that now, when we do understand a little bit more scientifically, it all seems to converge to a similar illusory reality.

On the fundamental units and particles that seem to form us, this is what Michio Kaku says in Parallel Worlds:

“But according to string theory, if we had a supermicroscope that could peer into the heart of an electron, we would see that it was not a point particle at all but a tiny vibrating string. It only appeared to be a point particle because our instruments were too crude.
This tiny string, in turn, vibrates at different frequencies and resonances. If we were to pluck this vibrating string, it would change mode and become another subatomic particle, such as a quark. Pluck it again, and it turns into a neutrino. In this way, we can explain the blizzard of subatomic particles as nothing but different musical notes of the string. We can now replace the hundreds of subatomic particles seen in the laboratory with a single object, the string.”
Isn't this convergence beautiful?

Seemingly, we are an arrangement, a form, not really the content. But this form takes on all our meaning for us.

**

Highly recommended to anyone interested. Like any good book, opens so many doors.

Mar 1, 2020

Narratives

Yesterday was the leap day. March begins today. Soon, people all around the world will start talking about International Women's Day and all the oft-repeated arguments and questions around fairness that every such token day brings.

I think any kind of unfairness begins in the mind. We may hold a belief that world should be a certain way, and then it turns out to be a little tilted, leaning some other way. The belief of fairness is perhaps rooted in our deepest desire as human beings to be regarded as a human being, as any human being, but this world, with all the centuries of narrative silt settled on its already jaded thinking has decided to segregate human beings into different adjective classes, and it talks but moves little and moves slow to change the larger narrative arc.

The way people are raised, the narrative background helps form thought chains which then bind them, root them, hinder them, restrict them - at times, without their even noticing or relenting that these are chains - to a given, inculcated worldview.  You keep telling little girls that they are made of sugar and spice, and all things nice, and keep repeating such rhymes, you raise women wishing to live upto that narrative. (And here, even I don't know how many thought chains I'm bound with).

Words and thoughts take shape, lend permission and conjure boundaries. By spelling them out, a possibility field is created, allowing, and then bounding behaviour. Not explicitly, but implicitly, taking life from and lending weight to societal judgement.

Ideally, people, being rational beings, rise above and question these narratives and make fresh judgement and think for themselves. But fresh thought requires courage and energy. And our modern lives leave little energy for purity of thought or questioning of the basics that form us. And the way current media works, questioning human thought fights a long, tiring and possibly losing battle, because it takes a lot to keep fighting off established narratives which are deepened further every passing day with each new post, tweet, song and movie.  Eventually, it  pushes you out of your depth (which you never get a chance to gauge well), tires you, making you fall back on the handy float of instilled and reinforced narratives - new 'propaganda' with a lovelier name.

The other traitor in the camp is the paradoxical way human mind works - where we tend to see reinforcements of what we wish to see, and the what-we-wish-to-see is actively being shaped through this battle, as if, our pawn, with each new step changes shade and by the end of the crawl becomes the opposite queen.

In such cases, perhaps, the way to bring about any change is by straightening the narrative, by nudging it gently in the direction of fairness, which ultimately means letting people be their own people in all their brilliant glory and unbrilliant folly without needing to seek permission to just be rather than operate as adjectived human beings. (as long as they are not a nuisance to society - and there again, the definition of nuisance is similarly loaded).

So, since this is March, and since I feel like it, sharing this poem by Ogden Nash - nice fun poem for anyone who feels bound by invisible thought chains (and they may not just be little girls and boys and their parents singing rhymes of sugar and spice, but all those people who find themselves in the little camp against bigger narratives).

Adventures Of Isabel (Poem by Ogden Nash)
Isabel met an enormous bear,
Isabel, Isabel, didn't care;
The bear was hungry, the bear was ravenous,
The bear's big mouth was cruel and cavernous.
The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you,
How do, Isabel, now I'll eat you!
Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry.
Isabel didn't scream or scurry.
She washed her hands and she straightened her hair up,
Then Isabel quietly ate the bear up.
Once in a night as black as pitch
Isabel met a wicked old witch.
the witch's face was cross and wrinkled,
The witch's gums with teeth were sprinkled.
Ho, ho, Isabel! the old witch crowed,
I'll turn you into an ugly toad!
Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry,
Isabel didn't scream or scurry,
She showed no rage and she showed no rancor,
But she turned the witch into milk and drank her.
Isabel met a hideous giant,
Isabel continued self reliant.
The giant was hairy, the giant was horrid,
He had one eye in the middle of his forehead.
Good morning, Isabel, the giant said,
I'll grind your bones to make my bread.
Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry,
Isabel didn't scream or scurry.
She nibbled the zwieback that she always fed off,
And when it was gone, she cut the giant's head off.
Isabel met a troublesome doctor,
He punched and he poked till he really shocked her.
The doctor's talk was of coughs and chills
And the doctor's satchel bulged with pills.
The doctor said unto Isabel,
Swallow this, it will make you well.
Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry,
Isabel didn't scream or scurry.
She took those pills from the pill concocter,
And Isabel calmly cured the doctor.

Personally for me, the takeaway is this - it is this, this ability to say 'bring it on' to anything that life in its beautiful mesmerisation of randomness throws at you, the 'bring it on' allows you to live fully and truly as a human being, and gives a more open and malleable mental make-up to take on the new, and to live the way Shakespeare suggests -  above all to thine ownself be true, etc.